Wednesday, 15 February 2012

I wish I could trust you.

Sometimes I just don't get how people treat their 'friends' as they do. They will use them when they need them, but if I need you that is another story and you are busy. Bit by messy bit I am seeing you all in the light you shine brightest in, it isn't so pretty as you make out. I miss you guys and will continue to miss you until you grow up and see who and what you are. I love you and I am sorry for being so damn blunt. You are rediculous, dumb, blind and led by your pants, you will loose some amazing friends for sweet fuck all and I actually pity you. Wish you knew how I feel, wish I could tell you straight, I love you guys but you are only you once in a blue moon!

Saturday, 4 February 2012

I miss you

I miss you more than words can even say and you probably forgot my name
without sarcasm I hope you are happy cause you took mine with you so don't waste it,
I both hate and love you all in one go, and I try to move on but it just won't happen cause my faith led me to you and you left, it went with you.
Please be well and happy for ever.
Please find what I couldn't give you.
I am sorry you left when I could have come with you, you made me the happiest I have ever been, so thank you and share what you have with the world cause it needs it.
I will always love you, and I am sorry.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Grow up

Have you people really nothing better to do with your lives than make the lives of others sh*t??
I have been bullied since I was 10, had depression since 7, watched my family go through harder times than people should even know, and still you insist on making little insignificant differences the centre of unwanted attention!
Look at yourself and if you can tell me with honesty that this makes you smile I will let you pass (I won't) but it isn't me or anyone else you are laughing at, it is you, you are that bored and ashamed of yourself that you have found sanctuary in the agony of others. It won't pay off, so enjoy it while it lasts or give up and find peace in real sanctuary!!

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Thank You and Goodbye

P, you are always there for me and I thank you, I love you more than you could imagine, but not how you might wish. You are the big brother I never had, my friend, my guardian angel, my every thing. You deserve more than I can give you, more than I am. Believe it or not but I know it, and you will find it.
S.W, you were my friend then not then my friend but not, you hate me when I am in your way and love me when you are alone, I don't need you and you don't need me, we just need something and find each other. Please find happiness without me and without hurting my friends or yourself, because you are better than this, you always were, you just got lost. Don't be lost, you know the way and you will be happy, I wish this for me though you choose me to hurt as a vent. This is okay, but hurt me and be good to those you really care about because you are better than this. You will be happy and safe in the arms of an angel, I promise you this, but you need to recognise her when you have her and not throw her away as you do so often with others.
Z, I like you, a lot, you have been hurt and it hurt me to see, you have been broken and it hurt me, I cannot watch you hurt and hope that if I achieve anything in life it will be to make you happy or at least content, at least a little. To help you is all I need for you. Remember I am here and I always will be if ever you need me. And dude I wish you needed me.
S.E, You are so sweet and so innocent, beautiful and lovely, where would I be without you watching over me? Like P.T has done, you are my angel alongside her sent to watch and protect, though no one will ever know why. I am a waste and don't deserve the kindness you both offer me. I miss you both and am loosing myself here without you. S.E I am glad you are happy with E. I may seem distant but he will treat you well, and I would be sad to see you or him apart now I have seen the smiles and the peace you bring each other. P.T you will find this, happiness is something you deserve and have earned, if I could finr it and hand it to you I would but you can find it alone, you are better than you know. Good things come to those who wait, you know this already and you will see, but I tell you again because I want you to know and remember.
R, he has been bad to you, I want you to be free of him though I know how much you care for each other, you are drawn to each other, but this doesn't mean you each need to be in pain. He spoke to me today, words of wisdom that reminded me of you, things you would say, this is me movie, i am the main character and to be hurt is part of the process of finding my happy ending. I hope so much that you are happy out there, enjoying the break from the hell we call home. There will be so much to tell you when you get here, be it good or bad, I will tell you all I can. Please be safe and happy where ever you are right now. I miss you more than anything, I need your help. But I won't tell you yet.
You are the peaople I care about, the ones i watch over and try to help, save and protect. Sometimes i fail, sometimes I am a burden too much to help you with your own problems, I wish I could be more.
I deserve so much less than what you all have brought to me. The happiness and the pain. Whether you notice me now or not I am not good for any of you. I am a curse and a burden to all that walk my way. Yet I cant let any of you go, I am scared you will be hurt or cursed with me, so I watch over you like the angels you have been, will be and try to be, watching me, saving me, teaching me and protecting me. Please all be safe, be well and be happy. Please don't forget me and please don't forgive me because I don't deserve it.
I am a lesson to learn from without going down the path yourself.
I am less than expected.
I love you all, though I show you less than love. I care for your safety and want for your success in what I can't find.
You all have earned more than you have, and i want you to be praised for your beauty and selflessness, even if sometime you hide it.
I love you and i am sorry for the pain i bring.


Don't fall in love because it ends in heart ache,
Don't give yourself away because you end up loosing yourself,
Life is a movie, you are the main character, an angel told me this, follow her advice,
You can be an angel if you practise with your wings,
I would be your angel but I am not the kind you need.

Wednesday, 11 January 2012


I just wrote epic vent, told everyone I love and care about exactly what I feel and how much I care and why, and my computer shut itself down.
Screw techology.
They will never know what I wrote because I will relay it on paper and keep it safe from prying eyes,
in short you are beautiful and lovely, you deserve a better friend than me and I wish I could help you find peace and happiness.
Dear P, P.T, S, S.E, Z and R,
please find happiness without the pain, you deserve at least that,

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

I wish i could blog you some thing happy to read

You ever get those times when you and your best friend have big news and you let them go first..? Was their news that they were in love with you...? Was yours that you finally found someone lovely that you really like? But it was'nt them?
Its a horrible feeling and you have to quickly think up something else to tell them.
Then you are torn because you can't act on your feelings for the other person because you can't bare to see your best friend hurting =[
One day i think it will all work out lovely, but why does it have to be so annoying and confusing until then???