I wish i could blog you some thing happy to read

You ever get those times when you and your best friend have big news and you let them go first..? Was their news that they were in love with you...? Was yours that you finally found someone lovely that you really like? But it was'nt them?
Its a horrible feeling and you have to quickly think up something else to tell them.
Then you are torn because you can't act on your feelings for the other person because you can't bare to see your best friend hurting =[
One day i think it will all work out lovely, but why does it have to be so annoying and confusing until then???

Happiest girl in the world

He asked me to be his friend, I said no, I told him why I was polite and nice when I said he makes me feel sick and like hanging myself is a sweet escape, I asked him not to talk to me again because it hurts but he did any way.
There are others that do the same. They walk all over you and break you, then expect you to let them do it again.
I think I might write a rule book for my life, so people can see the things that set off the ocd, the things that make me cry, the things that make me angry and they can avoid them. They don't have to but it would make life simple.

I Feel..

Today I am content and at peace. There is nothing that can drag me down, I will let it go. What a nice, light and rare feeling, I like it =]

Evanescence, uni and great friends

I just had the best weekend I have ever had, Iwent to Bath Spa uni with a friend, stayed with my beautiful best buddy, travelled to london for an Evanescence concert with The Pretty Reckless as support. Back to the uni for sleep then all the way home, it was incredible, thank you Siany Bams and El, miss you guys xx

I feel like Shit today =]

When everything you have just isn't enough, even though you appreciate what you have and love it there is still something missing, like a blackhole in your tummy. The few things you want but don't have you can't have and what you do have you don't want cause it's just to easy. This makes no sence but i am mind fucked and screwed up so who the fuck cares!!

Ghost

Have you ever woken up from a dream convinced you were about to die? Terrified out of your mind and not even remember the dream? I just did that except i wasn't asleep, just walked into my house a night went to pet the dog and noticed he looks wrong. I don't know why because it was definitely him but he looked different. Walking up the stairs to my room had my heart pounding and tears brewing in my eyes because something isn't right. Is it happening backward? So instead of waking up thinking I'm dying, I will fall asleep thinking it.
I am terrified, heart trying to beat it's way out of my chest, shaking from head to toe, there is nothing i can do but go to bed and hope i wake up as normal tomorrow.

Tunnel Vision

When you eventually see a tiny little light in the darkest tunnel, just a pinprick of white in a seemingly never ending black, perhaps you have something to look forward to. It could be a smile from a friendly face or just wise words from a stranger, but that little light can give someone just enough hope to pull them back from the edge. Just enough to give them one more day to get closer to the light and make it brighter.
So perhaps there is hope.

Because...?

Because I am insane
Because I am not scared
Because I don't understand the 'norms'
Because I am easy to hurt
Because I can't
Because you can?

Heartache

Have you ever felt like someone has a hand wrapped round your heart and is squeezing slightly tighter every day?
Or like there's a giant rubber band around your chest constricting you until breathing is just to much and you don't want to anymore?
Have you ever felt like waking up is the first step towards complete self destruction even though your dreams force you to spend every night reliving agonizing memories you really don't want to remember?
Ever had your heart broke by your best friend?
Any ideas how to make it go away or at least ease up??

Needles and hips

I went into hospital today for a basic scan on my baddie hip and ended up having a large, nasty looking needle wedged into it twisted about a bit then pulled back out. It was unexpected and bloody horrible. I wouldn't mind if they had told me before hand but they just said a scan.
Meany doctors, now its 7.15 in the evening and I am already in bed cause I can't be bothered to try get comfy on the sofa just to have to hurt again to get up the stairs.

9 wheels is too many

I have many beautiful friends.
I love them and appreciate all the things they do for me.
Yet more recently I am getting more and more lonely the more time I spend with them as they are all coupled off and I'm left wondering when my own personal Batman will drop in and save me, (grappling hook and all) I'm left wondering if there is something just too odd about me.
I can do what I want when I want without having to let someone know, I can look around and make new friends and not have to worry about reassuring anyone that they aren't trying to screw me.
But I can't curl up in bed and have a lovely cuddle with a movie, or have that little reassurance that someone will hold my hand and ward off all the creepy perverts that happen to lurk around my local, even someone to kiss me on the head and tell me I will be okay.
Now I feel just mean to be venting like bitching about the few people in this world that can hold me up when I feel like there is no reason to get up in the morning.
Is loneliness a gift or is it a curse?

Festival Time

I have just got back from Boardmasters festival in Newquay. It was amazing, I saw some bands I love (Skints, Twin Atlantic and Skindred), some I've never heard of (Bombay Bicycle Club) and some that don't interest me but were amazing live anyway (Fat Boy Slim, Charlie Simpson and Subfocus). I got to spend almost a week surrounded by complete strangers aswell as a small group of 8 beautiful friends. I got married at a fake Gypsy wedding ceremony to two of my best Ladies, and their boyfriends got married too. Made friends with some nonce police.
Thank you Cath, Pav, Alex, Ells, Biffy and Zach for an awesome weekend.
Love you =] xxx

Dreams you don't want to wake from

I was having the most beautiful dream with witches and a prince and flying houses and such, it was like a fairy tale gone a little wrong, but I had to wake up and go to work. It ruined my day before it had even really started. This was the first time since I can remember that I haven't had brutal nightmares that force me to wake up in tears, scared to fall back asleep. It was so real that I felt like I had spent the night running from dragons and fighting through invisible forcefields to rescue a really hot prince from the dungeons where he was experimented on because of his awesome magickal talents! It was the most fun way i can imagine spending my nights. I woke up knackered and for what? To go serve grumpy people that dont smile and shout at me when they dont like what they got!! So my question... Why can't we just pause time and go back to sleep just to see if we do escape the witches chasing us in their flying houses and old gypsy style caravans?